Ratchet: Your Doctor of Doom
by Villaneous
Summary: SYNOPSIS: Uh-oh. It's that time of year again — MEDICAL CHECKUPS! And it just so happens that during this time of year, there's hardly anyone on the NEST base! I wonder why that is so? [Drabble for TheSarcasticKnight!]


**Author's Notes**

 **Just letting you know that this drabble was inspired by the works of TheSarcasticKnight and that you should totally read them if you haven't already! They're amazing!**

 **Forewarning: The OCs in here DO NOT belong to me! They belong to TSK. :)**

* * *

 _Ratchet: Your Doctor of Doom._

* * *

Aimee Jane Bradshaw, more commonly known as AJ, may have been late to the welcoming party. Twenty years late. However, she blatantly refused to let that bother her.

Today was another day, but it also felt off. AJ had only been at the NEST headquarters for a few months now, but from the moment she woke up she realized it was not going to be an average day. Though, it never was average, anyways. But she couldn't help but notice just one itty bitty detail.

The place was like a literal ghost town.

AJ's first instinct was to go around and yell the names of her friends and family at the top of her lungs because if she found out that everyone went on vacation and left her there she was going to be pissed. No, she wasn't just going to be pissed, she was going to raise hell on the first unfortunate soul that came back and beat their ass to Mars for leaving her all alone at NEST.

"JAZZ? BLUESTREAK? SMOKESCREEN?" AJ cupped her mouth and just yelled, "I swear to God if y'all left me for Disney World I am going to actually kill a mech. Or two."

She stopped walking and breathed in deeply...

" _RAAAAATCCHHEEEETTT_!" She screamed at the top of her voice, and it echoed through the building.

Then a few things happened.

The first thing was that a couple of NEST guards and Smokescreen fell out of some hidden compartment in the wall a few feet away from AJ. The second thing was that Smokescreen literally scooped her and the NEST guards up into his servos and practically threw them in his subspace. And the third was that Ratchet suddenly rounded the corner, spotted Smokescreen, and his eyes locked onto him like the Terminator.

To say that AJ was confused was the understatement of the century.

"SMOKESCREEN!" Ratchet roared and began sprinting towards the poor Praxian whose facial expression of that of pure and utter horror and 'oh fuck me sideways and call me Betsy'.

Smokescreen ran for his dear life, jostling the humans in his subspace.

"What the fuck is happening?!" AJ shouted as she was thrown around like a ragdoll into the other people, "SMOKESCREEN! Why are we running from the Hatchet?!"

The mech didn't answer right away, but Ratchet's shouting did decrease.

"What the- OW!" The woman complained as she fell into another guy, "For the sake of my Granny's heart, would someone please tell me why we're running?"

"Don't you know what today is?" The guy AJ fell into asked.

"Moretti!" Aimee exclaimed as she recognized the Italian, "No, I do not. I only just came here a few months ago. What's today? Is it run from Ratchet day? Because everyday is run from Ratchet day."

Joey chuckled. "For you, that might be true, and to answer your question, yes, it is." He said and began to elaborate, "Today's the day Ratchet is suppose to give everyone a medical examine..."

"And you're all hiding from him to avoid that, right?" AJ asked.

"Yes." Joey chuckled again.

The woman scoffed and crossed her arms. "You people are a bunch of pansies. Ratchet is just a grumpy grandpa with a hair trigger temper. It's actually easy to avoid making him angry, you know: be good." She said with a smirk.

The Italian rolled his eyes good naturedly. "You're not good at all."

"Exactly. Be good, be the opposite of me, same thing. You'll get on his good side that way." AJ said.

"But he's scary!" Smokescreen cut in abruptly and dumped the humans onto cement. He was rattling with uncharacteristic nervousness.

AJ grumbled as she picked herself up off the ground and gave the Praxian a pointed look.

"You're acting like a baby, Smokes." She remarked and dusted herself off.

"I am not!" He argued, "You've just seen the way Ratchet gets on this day. He was chasing me! And it was scary! How would you feel if you were all alone and were being chased down by a homicidally enraged medic? He might've just offlined me then and there if I hadn't gotten away!"

AJ just stared in disbelief at the mech. "Don't you think you're overreacting just a _tad_ bit? Ratchet wouldn't have killed you."

"You're right. He would have ripped my arms off, taken me to the medbay, and then welded me to the berth as he beat me with my own limbs!" Smokescreen said hysterically.

AJ glanced at Joey. "How come you were hiding with him?"

"Ratchet wants to examine ALL of us, humans included." Was all he said.

* * *

"Hello, Prowl. Did you finish those mission reports already?"

"Yes, I have, sir."

"Good. You can just place them anywhere on my desk. Thank you, Prowl."

The Praxian enforcer bowed his head in acknowledgment before turning to leave.

"Oh, and Prowl?"

Prowl turned back around. He and Optimus shared a knowing look.

"Be careful."

"Of course."

He left his commander's office with a silent sigh. Prowl hesitantly glanced down the corridors, finding them completely barren. He heard the telltale click of the door behind him locking, and it made him force himself from the position of being in front of the door.

Prowl urged his feet to walk despite the fear crawling up his protoform.

He came around a corner and froze like a deer in the headlights. Ratchet was standing right there, twirling his wrench around in the tense air.

Neither of them moved.

"Prowl, get to the medbay right now. If I find you are not there, I will rip off your doorwings. Am I understood?" Ratchet broke through the silence in a deadpan tone.

"Yes, sir." Prowl said equally as flatly, but his quivering doorwings betrayed his emotionless expression and showed that he was in fact afraid.

"That's a good Second-in-command."

* * *

Bluestreak was terrified.

He knew what today was, and he was absolutely terrified. The mech woke up with his doorwings shaking and making a ton of noise, and he decided the only solution to that problem was to duct tape them together. It worked for the most part, much to his fortune.

Now Bluestreak has hidden himself in a storage closet the farthest away from the medbay as possible and locked and barricaded the entrance. He only felt slightly secure.

He had heard AJ screaming Ratchet's name as well as the medic screaming Smokescreen's. It was awful and only fueled his terror.

That happened about an Earth hour ago. Now he was alon—

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAHAHHAAAAHHH!— _kzztkzzzzztKZZZT_!"

Bluestreak screamed so loudly his voice box had malfunctioned. Something from behind him had grabbed a hold of his doorwings and yanked him backwards, scaring a few vorns out of him.

It was Ratchet, of course.

"Bluestreak, mute it!" Ratchet yelled and shoved the younger mech down. "You fragging blew your voice box out, you little slagging idiot!"

The Praxian curled up into a fetal position and rocked himself.

A few strides away, Jazz leaned against the wall with a smirk.

"Come on, let's get to the medbay to fix it and give you your examination." The medic groused and pulled Bluestreak to his peds.

"Tough luck, li'l boy blue." Jazz remarked and patted the Praxian on the shoulder in a comforting gesture.

"Oh no, you're coming with us, Slim Shady." Ratchet growled and seized the saboteur's upper arm.

A panicked look reached Jazz's face. "What?! But I was only in the medbay a few days ago to get my leg reattached!" He protested.

"I don't give a slag. Who knows what you could have caught in a mere few days? You're getting your examination whether you need it or not." The medic said.

"Oh, c'mon, Ratch'! Ya can't be serious."

"Oh, but I am."

Jazz pouted but allowed himself to be dragged away.

* * *

"Sunny, give a mech some room! You're squishing me!"

"Shut it. He'll hear you whining."

Sideswipe frowned as he continued to shuffle around. The twin terrors had got it into their processors somehow that hiding in one of the crevices of the rec. room was a genius idea. Sunstreaker would forever deny he had any part in deciding their hiding spot.

::I knew we should have camped out on the roof.:: Sideswipe murmured over their bond.

::Well, it's too late now.:: the yellow frontliner said.

::Not really. We could make a run for it.::

::Maybe.::

::We should. There's no way I'm going to spend the rest of the day like this! I'm gonna end up getting kricks in my wires in several places!::

::Poor Sideswipe.::

::Yes, poor m— did you hear that?::

Sunstreaker did. It was the sound of a not so distant screaming Bluestreak whose voice box seemed to cut off. Looks like Ratchet found him.

"Now's our chance! LET'S GO!" Sideswipe yelled as he bolted with his brother following closely behind.

"HEY!"

"OH, FRAG!" The red mech stopped so suddenly Sunstreaker barreled into him and flipped, landing right at the pedes of a confused yet eternally angry medic.

"ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! AB— _SUNSTREAKER_!" Sideswipe yelped and ran and mentally felt his twin get hit in the helm with an all too familiar wrench.

"SIDESWIPE, IF YOU ABANDON ME _I'M GOING TO OFFLINE **YOU**_!" Came Sunstreaker's enraged shout as the red Lamborghini turned a corner. Sideswipe ignored him in favor of saving his own skidplating.

Jazz and Bluestreak simply stood there and watched it all happen.

"Welp, looks like we're gonna 'ave one less mech after ta'day." Jazz grinned cheekily. "Not that Ah'd mind."

* * *

Wheeljack hummed to himself as he set down a few parts on his workbench. He was about to begin working a new invention when he heard it.

The sound of a wrench hitting a wall in a slow, ominous way.

The engineer rushed over to his entrance door and quickly inputted an encrypted lock on it, and then vented a relieved sigh and leaned his back against the door. Few mecha had the ability to override or hack the encryption, and thankfully Ratchet wasn't one of them.

That did not stop him from getting in, however.

Wheeljack yelped and flew to the floor when the blade of an axe buried itself in his door and had been mere centimeters away from slicing off his audial fin. The engineer's optics were as wide as dinner plates as he stared up at the new hole in his door and at the glowing optic staring right at him.

"Did you _really_ think you could skip out on your examination, Jackie?" Ratchet asked sweetly and proceeded to laugh the most evil laugh that had Megatron's laugh beat.

Wheeljack leaked himself in fear.

And then the door slid open, fully revealing the medic and his accomplice, Jazz, who had hacked the door.

"Jazz, you traitor!" Wheeljack cried.

"Sorry, mah mech, but the ol' Hatchet here made me do it."

"Wheeljack, let's get to the medbay. Right now." Ratchet growled and offered a servo to help the engineer up.

Wheeljack grabbed it, although begrudgingly.

* * *

After Ratchet rounded down a few mecha...

* * *

"Has anyone seen Smokescreen? I saw him today, but... He got away." Ratchet asked offhandedly as he wrote something down on his board.

Prowl glanced up from the IV he was glaring holes into and to the medic. "He commed me and said he was going to Alaska with AJ, Joey Moretti, and a few others." He said.

Ratchet dropped his board. " _ **WHAAAT?!**_ "

* * *

 **End of Story Notes**

 **This was really fun to write! I hoped you all enjoyed it. I actually wrote a few bonuses, so here you are!**

 **BONUS #1:**

Ratchet frowned when the override code for Optimus's office didn't work.

"You fragging Prime. You think I don't know better?" The medic grinned to himself when Prowl commed him his override code.

He inputted them into the keypad and smirked when the door slid open. Optimus didn't even look up as he worked on something on the datapad he was holding.

" _Optimus~_."

Who knew the Prime could scream so loudly and girlishly? Ratchet certainly didn't until that moment.

 **BONUS #2:**

Sideswipe realized much too late that leaving a homicidal daffodil for dead was one of the worst mistakes he's ever made.

Which is why he was currently being beaten by said homicidal daffodil with his own arm.

"OW! ACK! Sunstrea-KER! Stop, please! I said I was so-RRY! Owww!" Sideswipe moaned in pain as energon dripped down his mouth. Sunny probably caused some internal bleeding.

"You abandoned me. Left me for Ratchet." Sunstreaker deadpanned and placed his pede on top of his twin's helm and applied pressure. "I'll make you repent."

Sideswipe scoffed and immediately regretted it when Sunstreaker hit him with his detached limb again.

"Repent!" The yellow mech barked.

"Okay, okay! I repent! I repent." Sideswipe sighed.

"Good." Sunstreaker smirked. "You're going to be my servant for the next two orns."

"Two orns? That's twenty-six days!"

"Or you could just—"

"Okay! Fine! I'll be your fragging servant! Primus..."

Sunstreaker smiled wickedly. "Glad we could agree."

"Pit spawn." The red mech spat.

"Why thank you. I try."

 **I wanted to write more Bonuses, but whatever! I hoped you guys liked them. Please review to give any advice or something! :) Have a good day.**

 **X HUM8LE.**


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